Most men who have been married or have had a relationship have been in a situation where they ask their wives or partners something important, maybe they suggest an idea or provide some advice regarding a particular matter, but the wife or partner just shrugs it off or dismisses it altogether; “Ayi, sizingatheke zimenezo, it won’t work,” they might say. Or “I’m not sure about that”. Kapena, “…zitayeni bambo a kondwani zimenezo.”

Then, a few weeks later, something curious happens. That very same woman who a few weeks previously confidently dismissed what you had said or asked, comes to you, eyes wide with excitement(or embarrassment), staring right into your eyes, and repeats back the exact same thing or idea you had suggested. And how they now think it will work. Right? What happened? Annoying? Very.

Or maybe, you’re a dad, and you’ve told your kids to do something that will help them, in some material way. Maybe your kids are not young anymore. But you’ve given them what you consider to be sensible advice on a particular matter. Only for them to ignore you. Until a few weeks or months later, when their auntie, a friend or a someone else suggests the very same thing, you had said. And suddenly, it’s the best idea ever!

It’s frustrating, it’s bewildering, and unfortunately, it’s a pattern we see playing out not just in our homes, but often on a country level. Remember that biblical saying which says “A prophet is not honoured in their own home.” This is a bit like that.

In Malawian society, sometimes people seem to value advice more if it comes from a foreigner or an external expert, even if a fellow Malawian had said the same thing days, weeks, months, or even years ago.

So why does this happen? Is there a scientific reason behind it or is this just ordinary human behaviour?

It turns out that there’s a scientific explanation. Well, maybe explanations, because there’s more than one thing going on. Let’s break it down piece by piece.

The “Foreign Expert” Sparkle: Why Some Voices Shine Brighter

Imagine you’re trying to fix a broken microwave. And your neighbor who just lives next door is an electrical engineer. But then, your younger brother who lives in the same house, is the smartest kid on the block. Would you rather seek advice from your younger brother, who just got his first toolbox, when trying to fix your microwave, or from the experienced electrical engineer next door who has worked on complex machines for years?

Most people would probably ask the neighbour, right? This is called Source Credibility in science-speak. It basically means we listen more to people we perceive to be “Experts” than those we’re doubtful of. We assume people who are experts know their stuff. So in this example, your brother could easily be able to figure out how to fix your broken microwave. Or your electrical engineer neighbour could have no idea about how to repair the microwave. But because he’s an expert, our brains prefer them.

So, in the context of Malawi, when someone comes from “outside,” especially from a country that might seem more developed or has advanced technologies, or if they work in a reputable university, we often assume that they have more advanced knowledge or a fresh perspective that’s greater than anything our country folk may have to say. It’s like they have a special halo around their heads (scientists call this the halo effect) which makes us think everything they say is brilliant.

Trustworthiness: They have a hidden agenda?

Sometimes, when a fellow Malawian gives advice, we might wonder, “What’s in it for them? Are they trying to show off? Do they have a personal score to settle? Are they trying to get a promotion or some position? Are they looking for favours” Our brain whispers these things to us silently. And we end up believing it.

But a foreign expert, oh no, we often see a foreign export as neutral, they don’t carry that same local baggage, they might as well be angel Gabriel in our minds eye. So their advice feels more objective and trustworthy. We don’t doubt them. This means it’s not always about what is said, but who says it. Our brains take a shortcut: “Foreign expert = probably right!“.

The “Us vs. Them” Mindset: Our Tribal Brains at Play

Our brains are great at putting people into boxes. They are amazing at sorting things into neat little categories. And one big category is the “us” category. This is our group, our friends, our tribe, our country. But then there is also the other category we carry in our minds, which is the “them” category. This is other groups. This compartmentalization is part of something called Social Identity Theory.

Now, here’s the tricky part: while we usually love and support our own “in-group” (fellow Malawians, family, husband, etc), sometimes we strangely undervalue our own members’ expertise, especially in areas we associate with progress or new ideas. It’s almost like a subconscious thought that “real innovation” or “the best solutions” must come from outside our familiar world, especially if we’ve been struggling with problems for a while.

Think about the husband and wife example. When the husband gives advice, his wife sometimes isn’t listening. And she is filtering that advice through a lens that is littered by all his quirks, his bad habits, his weaknesses, his everyday struggles. For many wives, he’s a peer, and definitely not a distant, all-knowing enlightened guru. Because she knows him so well, she might instinctively challenge his ideas to maintain her own sense of independence. But when the same advice comes from someone outside their daily family dynamic, it’s easier to accept because it doesn’t challenge their personal relationship balance. This means sometimes, it’s not always about disrespect, but about how our brains process information based on who is giving it within our social circles. This other person giving advice may have gone to such and such a place and achieved one thing or the other which makes them to be perceived as ..”special” or enlightened in a particular way. “They’ve been to Machu Picchu“, “They’ve met Wim Hof and spent 2 weeks with him in some frozen Fjord in Greenland“, and “They have a holiday Cottage in Zanzibar“, all of which the husband or partner hasn’t yet achieved, or doesn’t have, or isn’t even interested in. So in the woman’s mind, even though the husband’s or partner’s ideas are valid and coming from a good place, maybe even a place of personal experience, a skewed and unaware mental bias uplifts the strangers advice above it.

Saving Face: When Changing Your Mind Feels Hard

Sometimes your wife will come and say you were right, you said a, b, c. Sorry I didn’t listen. I should have listened. What they may not always tell you though is the way they got to that u-turn. In trying to save face, when you first gave the advice, your wife might have resisted it, perhaps subconsciously wanting to assert their own opinion or just not being ready to hear it. Or maybe they were distracted by something else. Further, if they then turned around and immediately agreed with you, it might feel like they’re not holding their own, or they can’t think deeply for themselves. There’s also that dreaded notion of a “second opinion”. So, when the very same idea comes from a different, “respected” source, it creates a “reason” for them to change their mind without having to admit it. So while they may not say “Oh, I heard it from [External Person]!” its easier to say “I’ve had a think about what you said, and think it’s a good idea” Even when what they should actually say is “My friend Belinda told me exactly what you said yesterday, and I feel like an idiot for not listening to you.” It allows for a graceful shift in perspective while saving face.

Expressions of all these things happen in public policy.

So, how do you react? I’ll intentionally comment only in relation to the country, osati zimene zimachitika mu ma banja umu…

Maybe we ought to break the habit of selecting appreciation of ideas by being more mindful of how we respond to them. And offering grace when one changes their mind. Often when people say these things, there’s not always an agenda or selfish interest. But our social conditioning has made us cynical such that the first thing we think about is there must be an agenda. Maybe we should also be more aware of our biases and stop when we recognise that we are being unfairly biased. This is actually for our own good, if we’re going to change our mind about it anyway, later on down the line.

We can start by listening to ideas based on their value, rather than who is saying them, and considering whether the advice is sound and well-researched. We can even do our own research or number-crunching to find out. Instead of just dismissing it outright. By celebrating and trusting voices from within, we can tap into their knowledge and understanding of our unique challenges. As a country, creating spaces where multiple voices are heard can also help us build a stronger, more resilient, and better Malawi.